he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
