He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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