if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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