just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
