The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
