If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
