FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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