It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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