we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
