He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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