No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
