After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize