Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
