Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
