Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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