The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
