The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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