Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
