The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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