So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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