I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I can't turn off my feet"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
