Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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