you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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