having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
