my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
