Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
