he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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