omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
