John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
