I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
