Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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