You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize