I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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