My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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