proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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