Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
