I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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