Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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