My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
