I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
