I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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