Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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