college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
