When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
