literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize