Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
