The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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