Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
