Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
