I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
