Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
