I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize