Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
