Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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