I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
