i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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