remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
