On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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